It Dawned … I’m Back … AGAIN!

It never dawns … on you. After many many years of knowing that I make a difference through ‘word,’ I did that … finally … AGAIN … in November 2008. Health forced me off my dream in 2006, but now I had a blog, my Black newswire was up, and most importantly, I understood and had a set-up to keep things going (or so I thought) … when health temporarily knocked me down. I was back, and grinning.
‘You just disappeared.’ ‘I knew it had to be something.’
My two month old niece died April 20, 2009. From the moment her dad frantically called, every sound, what was on television (ESPN2 Mike and Mike in the Morning), the color of my sheets and comforter (I knew I could never sleep on them again so the maid threw them out), the time on the clock – 5:45am, the cold air crawling through the cracked open window, how my brain refused to wrap around this concept (my gib ‘genie in a bottle’ nicknamed after my sister was dead!), creviced into my memories. Even now, as I write, I … can’t … breathe.
I shut down. Everything. My business didn’t work without my day to day input. I couldn’t move beyond the basics in my personal life. For six months, and yes, that surprised me.
Since being diagnosed with depression, I know to take my anti-depressants, use the therapy tricks to keep from going to ‘the black place,’ pray, meditate, zen, and reach out for help. I’ve now learned some pains just hurt too much, and they open chasms for other hurts to seep in. Even with professional help you can go ‘dusty dirty grey’ – the tag my goddaughter screamed when she finally saw me.
Dawn. When it’s dark and then suddenly light appears.
I never question my dawns. It’s God, Yaweh, the Universe, Her at work.
One night it dawned on me I had to get out of Podunk for at least a moment. I went to Los Angeles, where I used to live and where you can get a martini up to 2am.
It dawned on my goddaughter to just let me talk, and cry, and talk some more. Since we’re so much alike and she’s walked in my heels, burdens, guilt rolled away, answers rolled in.
I dawned!! Slightly changed path, but I’m back. AGAIN!! LOL
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I often wonder what my niece, Peyton Marie Robinson, would have tried, accomplished, failed. I hope I’ve made her proud.

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4 Responses to It Dawned … I’m Back … AGAIN!

  1. Wanda Abrams Pearson says:

    Hey Renee, how are you? My first roomamte and friend in College (I was still a baby at 16 at SIU) – LOL – I am so glad you are back and it is so good to hear from you. So sorry about your niece. May God strengthen you to continue your work. Please call me so we can catch up. Info is on my page in Facebook. Love Wanda
    P.S. Nadine and I was wondering where you were.

  2. Dora Georgiou says:

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts, feelings and fears.
    Your gib will be proud of you…

  3. Dora Georgiou says:

    It is always refreshing to read your articles.
    I love the A. Renee West ORIGINAL!!!
    Welcome back and best of luck.

    Keep going strong ….

    :) Dora

  4. Marva Davis says:

    WELCOME BACK!!!

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