It is quiet in the house. And after eight (hold on, I’m counting my fingers), yes, eight columns I am fresh out of coherent (as opposed to incoherent) worthwhile (as opposed to trashy) thoughts. This may not come as a shock since 1) I’ve never been deemed coherent and 2) My thoughts are rarely, albeit unjustly, deemed worthwhile (thank you Chris).
We need a breather. I mean, my goodness. The war dominates on and on and on so many channels. And where it’s not covered 24/7, you have these “Special Bulletins”. Oh my god, Saddam has sent another video. Is he alive? Is it a fake? Is it Memorex? The best statement by far – I hope he gets nominated for best rap video. Who are these morons … my fellow Americans.
The war is serious business. And again to the troops and all, regardless of whether you are pro or anti-war, we wish you peace and safety.
But a war combined with our normal tabloid headlines, everyday minutia (yes Chris, this is a word) and a very long bitterly cold winter – for all of us I declare – WE ARE TIRED!!
… of runny noses and achy joints.
… of slush and salt and crowded subways with runny noses and achy joints.
… of layers of clothes that keep you warm outside but throw you into a hot flash and drenching sweat the minute you walk through the door.
I’m on a roll.
… of stupid reality shows which are not named because we’d only name the ones we don’t watch, and of course American Idol. Okay that’s not a reality show per se, but with the scandals this year – porn sites, alleged assaults, shoplifting – it’s real reality. American Felons, Fallen Idols. Please send any I’ve missed. But the biggest scandal is the ugly mug shots. Time out – For all the money they take in why can’t our companies or the DMV or the cops ever take a decent picture? I’m not ugly. I don’t know a lot of ugly people. Yes, some ex-boyfriends were not mirror friendly, but they had good hearts, until we broke up, the dawgs. I deviate. Ugly people are a small percentage of the population. So give us a break. Or at least a chance to take another picture. Although if you didn’t get the first one right, why should we even think you’d ever get it right? Faith built on bull crappie just makes you stink.
We’re tired of tired a&& bosses who hate us just a little less than we hate them cuz we’re all just working for a paycheck. Let’s continue to not get along. Okay? Dumb. Dumb.
We’re tired of insolent customer service representatives. We know you don’t like your job. That’s why we don’t do your job. We wouldn’t put up with all that crap. But since it is your job, make the best of it. Don’t take out on me your “I am so tired of these tired people asking the same stupid questions which if they’d just read the directions or listen the first time we could avoid all of this and I could get back to doing what I do best (nothing). And what I get paid to do (nothing). And what I’m all about (nothing nothing)”. Keep it to yourself and just take care of my business. This was an unpaid public service announcement.
We’re tired of potholes covered with a thin layer of shut your mouth which cause car damage more costly than it would have cost to fix the pothole right in the first place. But of course you don’t care about that Mr./Ms. Elected official because your street has no potholes. Hmmmm.
We’re tired of size 2 bodies in a size 14 society. Eat. Then eat some more. Okay that’s a personal grievance and shouldn’t be joked because obesity is a big (no pun intended) issue in this country.
We’re tired of toe jam and body odor, food stuck between teeth, and hairy ears, nose, and necks. Also do not eat peanuts or any other food that will leave nibbles in your mouth. You will not, repeat, you will not, get tongue. Duh uh. This requires no explanation.
We’re tired of … uh oh I’m running out. We’re tired of Denzel Washington and Sam Jackson and Morgan Freeman and all those fine brothas getting married before they’ve met us. Such a loss.
We’re tired of …
We’re tired of burst dreams and failed hopes.
… broken relationships and friendships.
… death to those we love.
We’re tired of layoffs and downsizing, forced retirements, and pay slashes.
… corporate greed, even though we wish we had just a little bit of that bank. Not much. Just a little bit.
We’re tired of playing the lottery. We’re tired of playing the lottery and praying we’ll win. We know God has better things to deal with, but just this once…
We’re tired of old age and accompanying aches. Why does the body betray us when we finally get us? And don’t think if you’re a quiet mouse when you’re young, you won’t hurt when you get old. Old age is a witch. So kick it while you can.
We’re tired of … we’re tired of … We’re tired of being tired. Lord knows the energy could be better used.
But a funny thing happens when you think about all these tired a&& things … you get too tired to think about it anymore.
You have to smile, and before you know it, you laugh.
Okay maybe you don’t want to smile. Maybe it hurts so bad you climb in the bed and hope it all goes away. You’re delusional. But you know that. You just don’t care. You have no energy left.
When we’re sane, it’s the former. During the other moments … we’ve all been there. And if you haven’t, why are you reading this anyway. You should have stopped about forty-seven lines ago.
Life is not easy.
Life is not fair. Okay I have to tell here the most perfect statement I ever heard about this. “Thinking life is fair, is like believing the bull won’t charge because you’re a vegetarian.” Can it be plainer? I think not.
There is no age when life is perfect. We’re, or some of us, are imperfect beings therefore incapable of making a perfect product.
Life is an ebb and flow. Another wave will always come in. You can swim with it. Against it. Float. Or drown.
Wait a minute, this stinks. On an average we go through 15 hours of labor. Just when we’re all snug and cozy and warm we get pulled into a cold bright world and before we even adjust, some nut is paid to slap the bejesus out of us. That’s crap. Then after we’re lulled into thinking we’re all that and the world is at our beck and call, it ends. Abruptly. No warning. We can holler until we’re blue in the face and tight in the bowel. No one comes. No one cares. This is good for us. It’s our first lesson. And that’s pretty much how it stands. Selfish little buggers.
Sorry, I want more. I deserve more. I’m too lazy to get more. But I don’t care; I still think I’m owed. Give me some reparations.
Sigh, I feel a lot better now.
Got that off my chest.
So speaking of laughing, did you hear the one about …
