Today I made a special day. It didn’t look any different from any other day – raining. It didn’t smell any different – humid. And I was my usual wonderful loving unselfish hard-working me – Yes, I’m joking.
Have you had a day that seemed no different from any other?
There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just a day of what you do – getting up, getting ready, going to work, working hard, hardly working, putting up, wishing more, smiling – when you don’t want to, laughing – when it’s not funny, cuz you feel you gotta so you at least look like you care about being there. You don’t. It’s just a paycheck. Too bad.
Eating lunch, eating snacks, drinking soda, sipping tea, downing coffee, passing gas, peeing – too often, and praying for ten minutes, alone, so no one hears you stink up the bathroom. Phone calls, emails, conversations, more calls, more emails, few letters – let’s hear it for a paperless society. Go home, sit in traffic, beat the traffic, pick up dinner, make dinner, eat – again, go on-line, pick up, clean up, pick out – for the next day. Homework, TV, radio, cd’s, tuck in bed, get in bed, to start all over again.
Are our lives that pathetic? Cuz this sure sounds pathetic, and boring – when taken together.
I’m depressed.
So much for a special day.
But I’m doing it to my self.
Staying emotionally balanced is a difficult process.
It’s so easy to get off whack.
Some people say not so.
They positively believe that what will be will be. Can you really trust someone who is positive all the time? No matter what happens? Especially when everything is screwed up?
Then there are the ones who say “what is, is what was to be – signed My God”. Note: the God they serve is always better than yours, hence the personal pronoun. So we all fall on our knees” and bear the burdens of the world – it’s a mark of martyrdom. You be crazy I think. Faith without questions, anger, depression, … is like loving and a problem free relationship. Can’t happen? Should it happen?
I don’t like these people.
Or maybe I envy them.
And we feel guilty cuz we’re not that good. Or perky. Or righteous.
Maybe it’s sanctimonious, pious, and crazy.
But if they’re happy (are they really?) and you’re not …
Who’s really right?
Does someone have to be wrong?
Some days you just don’t feel it. Life is rote. You go through the motions and thank God to get through.
Other days … everything you touch feels gold. Everything you hear sounds right. Even when bad. Or off key. You just don’t care. You’re happy. Joyous. Both.
Can’t every day be that day?
Nope.
We’d probably go mental if it was.
But every time we go emotionally under, we don’t have to stay there.
It’s our choice … sometimes. Actually most of the time. More times than we’d like to admit.
Cuz that puts too much responsibility in our hands.
So much easier to blame … pick a name, we’ve said them … several times … many times … too many times.
“But for ___ I would have gotten/received/made/gone.” The verb doesn’t matter. It’s still past tense. But we continue on.
“I wanted to sing/write/dance/teach/fly a plane/go to college, except ___. Ever notice ex-cept sounds like ass-ept. New form of in-ept? Doesn’t matter. It’s still past tense. But we continue on.
We whine. I like to whine.
I am the queen diva of whine. But I look so cute.
And I get over it. Cuz I hear myself. And even I know I sound pathetic.
We’re all too old for this extended crap.
But it’s so much easier.
To whine. Do nothing. Still.
It becomes a habit. We can’t break. Even when we want to. Cuz the effort now is so much more than before. Years of shoot can get awful heavy, not to mention smelly. We gotta get sick of smelling ourselves. Everybody else has.
If they’re not smelling they’re own doo. And if not …
We are such fearful people. That’s what we smell. Our fears.
But we pretend otherwise.
That we have it all together.
That to not achieve is no big deal.
That to not try was what we wanted in the first place.
That to feel what we really feel when no one’s around, may not be okay, but as long as no one really knows how we feel, it’s all right. We represent our front well.
And buy into others’ representation. Big mistake.
Have no answers on how to end the malaise.
For you.
Sometimes I smile, or listen to music. Take a bubble bath, or listen to music. Look at the face of a happy child, or listen to music. Talk to a smart friend, while listening to music. It makes me shout, remember.
I do something good for myself, because when I feel good I move.
Better than staying still. All the time.
I deserve it. To be happy. Joyful. Successful.
I DESERVE IT.
And if I don’t believe that, fake it til I do. But not too much. That will drive you crazy too.
And before the malaise hits again I take a step. Not always big. Not always right. But a step. An effort. To move past fear. For myself. Because I deserve it.
I DESERVE IT.
We cannot be the best we can be when we fail to ever be.
Today I made a special day.
Yesterday was whacked.
Yesterday I allowed myself to get out of whack.
Then I smiled. Listened to some music. Talked to a smart friend. Then listened some more. To myself. And heard. Made goals, then promises.
Took a couple more steps today. Actually some big strides. Took the steps a while back. Sometimes I step back. It’s natural.
It paid off. Surprise, surprise.
It pays off exponentially. Surprise, surprise.
Today I made a special day.
Did the usual things. But continued doing the now not unusual thing.
CUZ I DESERVE IT.
No excuses.
No pasts.
No butts.
My choices.
Now yours …
Tomorrow we make another special day.
But accept when we don’t.
But don’t make it a habit.
