In addition to this wonderful magazine we are creating, I have a day job. At times that day job feels like a 450 pound weight on my back and a gallow around my neck.
A week ago I was ill. By the 5th day I was so physically wiped out my normal ‘this is crap, I’m not going there’ defenses … well I don’t know where they went but I know what they weren’t doing – protecting my sanity.
So all those ‘comments’ that occur – when you’re dealing with pressure on the job because of a time sensitive high profile project that has problems the client won’t acknowledge and the client has numerous white shirts who take turns beating you up just to wear you down so they get their way and you just have you because your company always sides with the client until you make it impossible for them to do so – were not rolling off my back. In fact, they were piercing straight into my chest where that wonderful interconnected system of ours – called the body - spread the crap through the rest of our body and made me feel even worse. Emotional baggage can weigh so much heavier than a physical pain.
And I couldn’t fight it.
And part of me didn’t want to fight it.
Oh, I meditated.
I prayed.
Burnt my soy candles. Played some jazz and Jill Scott.
Took Naps. Few hour breaks.
They worked. A little. And nothing was more than temporary.
So things built up.
I robbed my joy.
I robbed my ‘care about anything other than dragging home and climbing into the bed to lump and slump.’
I robbed myself of being who I normally am because it did hit a point even I didn’t recognize who this person was, yet felt helpless to stop her from being.
Every day I felt worse and worse, more and more helpless, more and more victim. In a fetal position. On the verge of tears.
Until I did the one thing I thought I had done but you realize you haven’t done when you really do it because results are immediate – ‘I let it go.’ Didn’t say gave in. I’d done enough of that. I let it go.
I let it go knowing that having been in the darkness of a valley once upon a time for way too long, it was a place my natural defenses would never ever let me go back to and take up permanent residence.
I let it go knowing that I hadn’t lost my mind, I was going to be okay, and that this ‘okayness’ would happen sooner than later.
I let it go knowing that the spiritual connection I had was an irrefutable bond that I could lay on in safety and security.
I let it go knowing that my joy would come in the morning, or afternoon, or even the midnight hour.
For those of you who do not believe in the existence of a higher power, a spiritual connecton, by whatever name you call, you will not relate to what I say next.
Do not tell me there is no God. Do not tell me there is no higher power. Do not tell me there is an spiritual energy connection that infuses this world we call home.
My spiritual relationship feels so close that at times I feel it’s ‘I thinketh therefore it be cuz he heard.’
No it doesn’t give me winning lottery numbers, which would be nice. Very nice.
But it’s never failed, and I do mean NEVER failed to bring me deliverance when needed.
I woke up this morning dreading going to work.
Had a headache. Lousy nite sleep.
As usual my morning ritual included opening my emails, sometimes my primary connection to the rest of the world. This morning it was also my distraction from the ‘looks like it will never end and Lord please move this mountain cuz I don’t have the strength to climb ‘ore.’
Alan Cohen:
“We see this all the time. I remember I was standing in a health food store once and two women were having a conversation and they were both professional housesitters and they were basically just complaining about their jobs. How the employers were trashing them, how they weren’t getting paid enough and on and on. All they did was complain and I wanted to go over to them and shake them and say, ‘don’t you realize what you are doing?’ You are both agreeing on a limit and the more you agree, the more you make it real in your life and the more you make it real the more you’re unhappy. So please don’t agree on stuff like that. Why don’t you talk about your possibilities and potential?”
My deliverance.
How many times have I heard us witch and itch and moan about our jobs? Especially women. One moment that really stands out for me was many many years ago at an organization’s picnic. As usual eventually the men and the women separated into their own gender groups to talk. On this beautiful hot sunny day, with good food, and great company I listened as the women went on and on about how they hated their jobs and the legal profession, what man didn’t do this, that, these, and those thoses, and on and on and on. It depressed me. I moved over toward the men.
The men were talking too – about their jobs, sports, and current events. Some of the comments about jobs were negative but it wasn’t a ‘I hate’ as much as an acknowledgement that this wasn’t a good place for them and it was time to move on – So what’s out their brothas? Y’all keep me in mind.”
I promised myself to always find some aspect of joy in whatever job I had, if only not to sound like my women friend.
I forgot that promise this week.
Alan Cohen was my wake up call.
We spend more awake hours at work than any other place. So to think what happens there has no bearing on what happens in the rest of our lives would be stupid. Heck the fact that it makes the money to support the rest of our life makes a big statement. You gotta respect it in some vein.
And I do.
But it doesn’t define me.
And a-holes on the job don’t define me.
And my mistakes on the job don’t define me.
I define me.
And I needed that reminder.
So I did a Marianne Williamson and changed my perception.
It’s not an instant ‘everything is grand now.’ I’ve got 10 days of #@)$ to shovel out.
But I’m aware.
Of continually trusting in my spiritual connection to guide me.
Of believing the answer is always there – at the right time, and in the right place.
Of how I must constantly take care of myself, physically and emotionally and spiritually to keep myself strong.
Of how easy it is to let the constant bombardment of negativity in this world sweep us along before we know it.
And that sometimes letting go instead of plodding forward is the best course of action in standing strong against the storm.
I’m back on my game.
And now I’ll take a nap..
Knowing that when I wake this time, it will be with my right frame of mind.
