A good friend called to talk about the recent elections. In his state several blacks had a chance to win statewide office. But the week before the election, one candidate blew it by being “ghetto.” And before his ‘o’ fell silent my hackles were up. I was still listening but I was pissed and angry.
I don’t care who uses the word. When it’s used to imply negativity – whether red or yellow, black, and white – it is not precious in my sight.
It’s my own personal beef (from the woman who doesn’t eat beef or pork). I understand that.
There are just certain words, phrases, or statements conjure up stereotypes that cast a bad vibe on an ethnicity.
Welfare.
Good hair.
Lazy postal workers
Crackheads
Illegal immigrants
Don’t lie. The first images that fly into the mind, even black folks, are other black folks – even though these words and terms could apply to any color or ethnicity.
AND DO!!!!
Ghetto.
So aside from being pissed, I had two questions:
- When we (African-Americans) characterize actions as ghetto, are we expressing a brainwash conditioning that ‘we must act white’ to be acceptable?, and
- Do we expect too much from black folks who appear to have power – political, business, or otherwise?
But before I could answer those two questions, a more important memory popped into my head. While my friend and I were talking, then disagreeing, vehemently, it hit me again (it happened before and I’ll get to that) – ‘we are so different on issues that are fundamental to who I am.’ And it scared me. I did not want to lose this person from my life. No, it wasn’t about sex. Has and had nothing to do with and will never be about sex. No, he isn’t gay. And neither am I. Keep reading.
So almost ten days have passed since I wrote the above. Why? Because when I saved this one, I saved it over one I’d just written and I was so bummed out … The silver lining: my head is full of topics and conversations, so I’m writing comment-briefs. Here goes.
Black Folks and Power
Do We Have a Right to Expect Something from Black Folks Who Appear to Have Power?
Yes.
For a very simple reason, few, very very very few, black folks who appear to have power got that way without community support.
And don’t ask me who the very very very very few are. Can’t think of one. Just giving the benefit of the doubt.
The community is its own special interest group. Therefore we should be the first, not the last, ones paid.
Do We Expect Too Much From Black Folks Who Appear to Have Power?
Yes.
Couldn’t make it more simple. But in case someone didn’t get it …
Yes. Yes.
That question was answered in a previous commentary (“For If You Lead”).
It’s not our fault.
From the time some of our ancestors in Africa cooperated with the slave traders by taking and selling other villagers as prisoners to the Americans, we’ve looked for a saviour.
From the time American slave owners and the United States Supreme Court (don’t believe it, go the the court and read) treated our ancestors as property, we looked for a saviour.
From the time our ancestors were legally freed, but ethically kept in second class citizenry, we looked for a saviour.
Through Reconstruction and Jim Crow laws, segregation and integration, network shows and billboards (remember when Madison Avenue realized, ‘Lord Jesus they do brush their teeth!), affirmative action and quotas, special vs equal treatment, Doug Williams and Donovan McNabb, Vanessa Williams and can you name this year’s Miss America who is black, n*****, colored, Negro, Black, and African-American, and the fact this is even a topic for a column, we looked for a saviour.
We wrote about it. Sang about it. Dreamed about it. Talked about it.
Moved it to the by and by when it didn’t occur.
We write about it. Sing about it. Dream about it. Talk about it.
And keep looking.
Everywhere but in the mirror.
At ourselves.
Yes.
So Should we Give the Power People a Little Space?
Yes.
But not off the hook.
AND WHEN THEY SCREW UP, DON’T LET THEM OFF THE HOOK THEN EITHER.
Yes, they will probably get worse media coverage because they are black (the media is the #1 perpetuator that there is a disaparity between whites and all those other coloreds).
But two wrongs don’t make a right.
And don’t worry about giving some tough love. Very very very very very very few ‘Lord I done wrong and I’m so sorry because now the white man don’t want me no more’ Negroes do not slink back to the community that birthed and bathed and wiped their stinky arses when they couldn’t or wouldn’t do it for themselves.
A philandering spouse always comes home when they know the spouse isn’t going anywhere.
Hmm, maybe we should take a trip sometimes.
You don’t grow up til your parents say no.
So What Do We Do?
Stop waiting on the world to give us what we want.
Give the world what you’ve got (with some sense and sensibility), and watch the world open
Oh sorry, we were talking about the black leadership. But that’s still good advice. When I finally bought into it, berry berry wonderful things happened. J
First, if the leader is a would-be politician, don’t just vote for them because they’re black. Look to see if they’re qualified for the office. Look to see if you agree on 35 to 45% of the issues, and most of your core fundamental choices. Nothing is 100%.
Second, whether a politician or the head of the NAACP, SCLC, etc. etc. etc. let your voice be heard. Get active. If not with them, then somebody who’s trying, no who is making a difference.
Third, third … can we stop with this leader thing !!
Fourth … be aware (shackles come off faster when you have the key) and be whole (don’t let the unfairness and inequities and playa hating (keep reading) jade you for too long. Yes, it’s okay to get jaded. Yes, it’s okay to be jaded. But do you really want to stay there? Be whole.
When we (African-Americans) characterize actions as ghetto, are we expressing a brainwash conditioning that ‘we must act white’ to be acceptable?
Maybe.
Generally.
Yes.
For the same reasons why we expect too much from black leaders.
Until we stop thinking somebody’s got good hair, believing baggy jeans and doo rags make other folks look stupid, but our youth must be gang members, and it’s not okay to wear cornrows and braids and locks to a corporate job because it’s not professional, and that at a gas station in a black neighborhood we lock our doors but at a station in a white neighborhood we think it’s okay to leave them unlocked (I did that one recently) …
Until we stop …
Which won’t happen until we’re aware each and ever time (which is very difficult) …
Take the time when or before you act or speak to look deep. Look deep and say why am I … And until you become more aware, and you’ll know when that happens, don’t take the first answer that pops in your mind. The problem is insidiously deeper than that. You have to go to that quiet place inside and recognize, not represent. Y’all know what I mean.
By the way as soon as I locked the doors it hit me … and I unlocked them.
I also told myself not to be a fool, in any neighborhood.
We’re getting better.
But let’s not take it too far.
My friend also said ‘I talk to young people and tell them when you look and act in a certain way, not only do people make judgments about you (this comment-brief) but you become that. Which led to another thought …
It’s Gone Beyond Playa Hating
“I like Hillary. I think she did a good job as first lady and in the Senate.” “She’s a bitch. I wouldn’t care if she got hit by a truck.”
“I don’t usually watch Fox News.” “I do. They’re the only ones who tell the truth. The rest of the networks are liars. Left wing pinkos.”
“What wrong with affirmative action? It’s asking for equal, not special, treatment?” “People are lazy. They need to go out and get a job and stop waiting on government handouts.
“Gays have the right to have partners, adopt kids, and get married like everyone else.” “They’re queers. Faggots. They make me sick.”
“Anti-war isn’t being unpatriotic. And celebrities have a right to their opinion, pro and con.” “It is unpatriotic. Those left wing liberals are idiots. Can’t do anything else for a living. They should all have been in the Towers on 9-11.”
Could go on but you get the picture. And you’ve probably had these types of conversations – either as sayer or sayee.
Why?
Okay that’s a stupid question.
We know why it’s done. But for those who don’t do it, but hear it, why do we allow it … (now you know I’m into free speech so there’s more to this sentence) to win?
And it is winning because, look around, listen.
There’s so much hate.
Which has come from so much anger.
And it’s scary.
My anger at this that these those and myself (gotta put her on the list) scares me.
Because I don’t want to become that.
I don’t want to be that.
But it continues to be perpetuated and supported.
When I was little to say the phrase ‘I hate’ … We were told not to hate anything. So to actually say it caused a lot of discomfort and cringing. I’d change the statement to something more palatable, ‘I despise’, ‘I really dislike.’
I still cringe, but it rolls off the tongue easier. I’ve accepted that I do hate some things.
The list isn’t important.
That I let myself go there. Feel that. Deeply. Easily.
Makes me even more angry.
Makes it easier to be angry, again. The next time.
You become that.
You can be that.
And it’s confusing.
How to balance?
Hate without being hateful?
Anger without retaliation.
I’ve been really angry lately.
Had a lot to say in some recent commentaries.
Because things pissed me off.
And kept pissing me off.
Cuz there’s a lot to get pissed off about.
And once you’re pissed it’s easier to stay there. It builds.
But whether valid or not, too much, improperly handled, left to build, repressed, leads to … places where most of us really don’t want to be and can’t believe we are. In fact, where and on whom we act it out is not usually where and by whom we got angry. Then we we look, and see what’s been done. To others. To ourselves.
We have to learn, no we know how to do it. We have to be willing to feel anger and hate and disagreement WITHOUT … I don’t even have the perfect words for it but we all know what the without is.
We can feel it when we do it.
I know when I’m acting ugly.
And sometimes it’s deserved and needed, and always makes me feel really good. At least for a moment. Sometimes longer.
But it’s not a good place for me or anybody else to stay.
And we can tell that.
We know that.
It’s gone beyond playa hating.
It’s way past the dozens.
It’s not new.
It’s a tale as old as time.
That’s why it really blows my mind.
We’re beauty and beast.
Thank God for friends who intentionally or not remind me to check my tone, and myself.
