Tonight I am very overwhelmed by how much I love you both. Normally I just experience the feeling and then go on doing whatever I’m doing. But today I’ve decided to write you a letter and give it to you on your anniversary. It scares me to think that there is a possibility you will not live to see your anniversary. I know you’re not sick, but… well, life is just short. But I’m going to take a chance, have faith, and pray that we all are around on your 44th, which will be here soon.
As I’ve gotten older, I realize how difficult parenting is. And I realized that without ever having had a child. Heaven knows what I would learn if I have one. So I know raising me could not have been easy. I was not the most cooperative child, but like most kids, I didn’t think you guys were that great either. Looking back I guess I wanted to be like the Cosby’s, even though I had no idea who they were at the time. I wanted life to be picture perfect, and it wasn’t. That bothered me my whole childhood. So much that I never could see the forest for the trees. And even when I did see the trees it had no effect.
Fortunately life is never staid, at least mine isn’t.
Daddy I remember the time when life seemed so unfair and rotten that all I wanted was my daddy. To this day I don’t know why I reached out to you. I never saw you as being there before. Nevertheless this time I picked up the phone and called you, expecting you to be there… and you were. For days and months you let me talk, no matter what the time it was, day or night, for as long as I wanted. Many times I cried, a few times you did too. Sometimes I said nothing, and you stayed quiet. So quiet others may have questioned whether we were holding a conversation. But we were, we just didn’t have to say words. You never pushed or judged me; you just loved me and listened. And somewhere in those moments the seeds for me to listen to you were sown. In those moments a deep bond developed between us that has not been broken and just gets stronger with time. We still do not always agree on things and sometimes we don’t understand why we act the way we do, but that doesn’t matter. We still love each other.
Discovering you mom was a much harder task. It’s just that way between some mothers and daughters. And in truth, I had to discover more of myself, before I could really discover your place in my life. We are so much alike, yet so different. But that’s okay, for in accepting myself – my strengths and weaknesses – I learned to accept many of these same traits in you. The same traits that drove me crazy as a child and pushed my buttons as an adult. Many times over the years we tried to bond. At times I would reach out to you, at times you would reach out to me. Occasionally we would reach at the same time, but things never fell into place. Looking back I wonder why it didn’t happen sooner, but things happen when they happen. That’s just how divine order works. And it’s working – slowly, but surely. I enjoy being with you, mom. We don’t talk several times a week like we used to, but when I call now, it’s not because I’m suppose to, it’s because I want to. I’m proud that you’re my mom. You’ve come through a lot and you’re still standing strong. I guess that’s were I get my obstinacy, stubbornness, and discipline. That’s you. And I wouldn’t trade you for anyone else.
So for your anniversary, I not only give you my love, but accept yours. We’ve all made mistakes and judgment errors, but we did the best we could do at the time we did it. The past may hold pain, but it also holds joy and hope for the future, and no one can ask for more.
You’ve given me a foundation of spirituality, knowledge, compassion, and comfort. And you’ve given me three lessons which all parents should give their children – to love, listen, and learn – not only from each other, but everyone around us.
So to children everywhere, not all family relationships can be or work out the way you desire, but don’t worry about them changing, make the change in yourself. That could be the impetus that is needed for the others, and if it’s not, you still have yourself, the way you should be, and that’s a wonderful blessing in itself.
And to my parents take your bows and receive your roses while you can still smell their scent. You’re due your propers.
Love,
Your daughter Renee’
