Yesterday I read a book (Private Eyes by Jack Kellerman) about an agoraphobic mother with so many other issues her daughter, from an early age, becomes parent to her mother’s child. When it’s time to leave for college the child has a hard time breaking away from her mother.
“E” (fictional initial) is single, bright, has a great job, and is very independent. Her days consist of making decisions that could make or break companies. She’s also wise, so when problems arise, she’s the first person her friends call – “she gives great advice + has a sympathetic ear … even at five in the morning!” “E” rarely makes early morning phone calls.
“O” and “Y” each have two kids. Although “O” is a single mom, both feel they are responsible for … “it seems everything.” To them prioritizing is a moment-by-moment activity.
“S” is married – loves his wife, kids almost out of the house. No major complaints. Yet his friends feel something is … off. For months his voice seems more and more tired. His interest in doing things has waned. He says he’s got a lot on his plate, taking care of the family and job.
All have plates that are just too full.
Much of the hand life deals us is from our creation. We can complain and blame that this and that occurred because of these and those, but deep down we know better. And even when we don’t create the circumstances, we choose our response.
We’re miserable responders because our responsibilities and burdens seem never ending.
We’re miserable responders because it feels like we take care of everybody else and nobody takes care of us.
Last year, before one of my cousins died, her daughter took her into her home and cared for her 24/7, for about six weeks. After she died my cousin told me – “I had the privilege of bringing my mother into my home, and the honor of escorting her home.”
This statement really touched me and said as much about my cousin as it did about her daughter.
I got a different perception of some of my responsibilities.
Some things dreaded now were a gift. Instead of resentment, I felt joy. Trivialities? Did a little life reorganization. Most of all I recognized more life importantes and job be dagged, took time off – which gave me blessings I never imagined could occur.
Nevertheless despite the change in perception, despite the privilege and honor of being there for others, the question still begged asking – “Who’s taking care of me, or you?”
Name the things you did for you last week?
AND DO NOT INCLUDE ANYTHING YOU DID FOR SOMEONE ELSE!
One, because we need to recognize the things we do that solely benefit us. And two, don’t play that altruistic charitable violin – “I get so much from doing for others.” Yeah, yeah. We all do. But if your sex life ALWAYS consisted solely of pleasing your partner … point made.
Hmm. Last week, for me – Idaberry E-zine. It’s time consuming and many times overwhelming but I still love doing it. Three nights last week I went to bed before one (which explains why I’m not a morning person). Also I … I can’t think of anything else right now.
Oh, I told my boss “no” to dinner. Generally other auditors say yes. I reiterated strongly to another boss my choice of work assignments.
These are too work centered, where’s the fun stuff?
On Friday I went out. By myself (I’m on the road traveling). To a sports bar. And had a great time. It was a long week. I needed it, so I did it. And it felt good.
Is your list as short as mine?
Guess we’ll move on to the next question.
What did you do for others last week?
I made plans to attend a friend’s graduation, wished my folks happy anniversary, wished three friends happy birthday – with many more to come this month (Now we know what parents did after the kids went back to school in September!). Did cancer research for a friend, sent numerous “just checking to see how you are and here’s what I’m up to” emails, advised a kid to follow his passions no matter the naysayers, sent a potential job to two people, called a couple relatives, made plans to hook up with a friend this weekend, listened to another friend vent about … everything. Feigned interest (sorry) in a few conversations. Schooled a new manager and an idiot auditor. Gave some tax and legal advice (for free which is not my norm) to two people. Put …
If you’re still going on, maybe you’re getting the point. So let’s drive it home.
Last question –
What did others do for you? Without being asked. Gotcha.
It doesn’t have to be something as profound as my cousin’s.
Still thinking?
I can only think of getting calls and emails from friends.
It seems weird but when we think of what we give versus what we receive, most of us would tilt our scales heavily on the giving side.
We’re a selfish society, yet we still feel we are givers and not takers.
Think of your closest friends – how one-sided do you feel are the relationships? Are you the one always there? Always listening? The problem-solver. Birthdays – you coordinate the get-togethers. Celebrations – you’re on it.
What about family? Are you one of the “knows everything going on?” Expected to save the day or take care of everybody’s problem? The person called when this one and that one are, again, in need of money? Do they lend to you, or pay back?
Shall we talk about on the job?
Who’s taking care of us?
Better, why aren’t we setting limits for our self? Translation – if your list of “to do’s” for you was much shorter than your “did’s” for others, like everyone else, you’re doing as bang up a job taking care of yourself.
Maybe we don’t want our needs met because it makes us vulnerable. “I’m not always strong. I don’t always have the answers. Sometimes I need you to listen to me.” We’re embarrassed. We think they will laugh. Or worse, not care. (side note: kick them to the curb) But when we can’t tell people, doesn’t that say something about our healthy self-esteem?
Some of us enjoy the role of constant giver. When we “unselfishly” give it makes us feel sooooo good. It’s our manipulative boost to our self-esteem.
Maybe we’re afraid of the intimacy. We get squeamish saying, “I love you” or accepting a compliment or other verbal support. Just give us a Hallmark, and presents. It’s the same message, right?
Many of us, yes, I’m including me, have been in this spot.
For myself, after getting pissed and feeling taken advantage of, I still didn’t get it. And you thought I was bright. No, someone had to point it out to me. And then I got defensive cuz I knew whoever acted like this wasn’t normal. And I was normal.
He said, “Yes, you are normal. If you didn’t get pissed, that would not be normal. But you have an unhealthy habit. And whether done consciously or subconsciously, you have taken on this role and you’ve kept this role because there’s a payoff.”
So I shifted my perception once more.
Doing things for others can be an honor and privilege, and very humbling.
Doing things for myself is a gift.
Letting others do for me – is a gift – for both of us.
It’s not always easy to receive. But I keep getting better (ignore last week. It was an anomaly. J)
And I figure if everybody is giving more than they get, somebody out there is getting big time. Cleaning up.
Now that’s just rude.
So receiving some of the wealth is not just for me, it’s to help everybody else.
Just taking care of them, and me.
