American Idol – A Bird’s Eye View from the Cheap Seats

Let me say up front, I cannot sing.  Not close.  Not ever.  Not slightly.

But that has never stopped me from singing at the top of my lungs.  Nor made me care what others thought.

Most of the time.

But I do have limits …

And I wish some others did too.

Because AMERICAN IDOL IS BACK!!!

Roo been … Roo been … Roo been …

And it proves, once again, that folks are deaf, dumb, and blind, and deaf, deaf, and deaf, when it comes to their talents.  Which may explain why I still persist in going to the beach – in a bathing suit.

But that’s me.

And it’s not on tv.

So after three hours of one of my favorite shows, to allow for further comic relief, here is an addendum to the American Idol Contestant Rules.  Effective immediately.

#1 – IF YOU CANNOT SING OR SING REALLY BAD, DON’T DESPAIR.  YOU SHOULD STILL TRY OUT.

Don’t listen to your friends who swear you can’t win.  They’re just jealous and they don’t understand.

But you do.

You know even if you’re bad, or told you’re bad, there’s still a chance you can win because somebody has to win.

So you hope.

And wish.

Because, what’s the worst that can happen?

You lose.  Don’t get chosen.

You can handle that.

And if that’s the worst, compared to the best … winning the whole caboodle. Then yeah, you have to go for it.

Which leads to rule #2 – IF YOU REALLY CAN’T SING, ALTHOUGH THERE IS NO GUARANTEE OF STARDOM OR A TRIP TO HOLLYWOOD, AND YOU MAY CAUSE SIMON GRAVE PAIN OR THREATEN TO BURST THE STITCHES OF RANDY’S GASTIC BYPASS AND THIS WILL ALL PLAY OUT TO YOUR FAMILY’S EMBARASSMENT ON NATIONAL TV IN FRONT OF A LARGE TV AUDIENCE, DON’T LET THAT FAZE YOU INTO GIVING UP YOUR DREAM.  BECAUSE ALTHOUGH YOU MAY BE DISSED AND DISMISSED YOU MAY ALSO BE … DISCOVERED.

Yup ladies and gentlemen, never forgot that Hollywood’s fodder can be tomorrow’s dessert.  It just has to be served in the right place.

Broadway.  Las Vegas.  Branson, Missouri.  They’re all plausible.  Shall I say Trista and Ryan!!  Elizabeth Hasselbeck is on The View (which is why I, and it seems a few other folks, stopped watching).  Some of those Survivor castaways have tv gigs.  So even if you don’t win A.I., there’s plenty more doors if you walk the hallway.

Which leads to rule #3 … COMPETITION IS STIFF.  BE PREPARED TO GIVE IT ALL, NOT MATTER HOW RIDICULOUS YOU SEEM.  AS THE FORMER NORTH CAROLINA STATE BASKETBALL COACH JIM VALVANO SAID, “NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER GIVE IN.”

So let’s discuss the Celine Dion wannabe who couldn’t carry a tune if someone held the bucket handles for her?  She sang “All by Myself”.  Simon told her if she kept singing like that she would be alone.  But she kept singing.

Perseverance.  Casting directors like perseverance.

And what about the guy who when Simon said ‘you didn’t hit one note’ told Simon, ‘well tell me which one you want and I’ll hit it for you.’

Never give up.  Never give in.

But my favorite grit girl was … Rashida.

Rashida, Rashida, Rashida.

She was so bad Simon bet her cash money if she sang in a bar, half the people would leave.

She said fine.  Flipped her hip and took off with Ryan Seacrest and a camera crew to find a Manhattan bar that had more than 10 sober people, during the day.  They ended up in a hotel bar.  Where I swear it looked like half the people scampered off the minute the camera lights came on.  Wonder why?

Anyway, Ryan explained why Rashida was there.  Now I’m not sure that was fair but a friend told me he had to, ‘otherwise most people will stay just to be polite.’  No, she’s never been to Manhattan.

So Rashida sang.

And sang.  And sung.

From bad to worse to it couldn’t get any worse, could it.

And everybody walked out except the brothers of color.

Did I tell you Rashida was of color?

It was Martin Luther King Day and here were two brothers who were not going to let a sistah go down at the hands of the ‘man.’

People of color take so much crap, and put up with so much crap, that even when we don’t agree we will take our side against other folks cuz it’s a color thing.

And you know I’m talking truth because my mother and my aunt and my other aunt to this day swear O.J. is innocent.  Now I don’t know whether he is or not.  And I never gave enough time to his case to care one way or another.  I figured I didn’t like him before the trial, so why would I put any energy in watching his trial.  Even if I did know legal counsel on both sides.  But my mom and aunts.  Devoured it.  And from beginning to end, proclaimed his innocence – because of one simple fact:  He was black.  Oh and because Black folks don’t use knives.

Forget that we’re know for carrying knives.

Forget that O.J. isn’t black.

He was innocent.

And if you can understand that, you can get why black folks were cheering when the verdict came through.  IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH O.J. AND EVERYTHING TO DO WITH THE SYSTEM.

My girlfriend said the brothas stayed cuz Rashida had a nice (unprintable) rack.

Whatever, whatever.  All I know is she didn’t give up, she didn’t give in, and everybody remembers Rashida.  Discoverable.

Rule #4 – IF YOU CAN’T SING, COVER IT BY DANCING.  IT WILL GET THE JUDGES ATTENTION.

So we had the dancing machines.  And here I give much props to the edit guys on the show.  To the tune of the Miracles’ “Love Machine”, one of my favorite songs (another story), they gave us a complete showcase of the people who felt dancing would enhance their chances.  Shake it, shake it, baby, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rule #4a & b:  IF YOU ARE DANCING …

… AND YOU ARE A GIRL, DO NOT WEAR A SUPPORT BRA.

It hinders your ability to maintain rhythm.  Furthermore it prevents the judges from determining if you have the beat.  And added benefit, it may lull the judges into a hypnotic state.

… IF YOU ARE A GUY, FREE BALL, FREE BALL, FREE BALL.

For the same reasons listed above.  But note, two of the judges are male and heterosexual.  Paula’s vote alone, will not get you to Hollywood.

Rule #5 – IF YOU CANNOT SING OR DANCE, BRING PROPS, ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE MENTIONED IN YOUR SONG.

Scooters, batons, stuffed animals, something between your legs (not sure what it was but some girl had it, like she was pulling a rabbit out of a hat) – nice.  Pulling stars magically from the sky because there’s a ‘Ribbon in the Sky of our Love” – brilliant.  Absolutely, brilliant.  I’m still touched.

Sorry.  I just needed a moment.

Oh, to remember.  To remember.

- #6: ELVIS IMPERSONATIONS ARE NOT DISTRACTING IF SUNG BY A BLACK PERSON.  So what Elvis wasn’t black.  Neither is Dolly Parton but that didn’t stop Whitney from covering her tune … to the tune of hundreds of millions of dollars.  So sing brothas, sing.

- #7: IF IT TAKES MORE THAN A SIDE OF COW TO MAKE YOUR OUTFIT FIT IT IS PERMISSABLE TO STRETCH IT… STRETCH IT… STRETCH IT.  Otherwise you run out of material for your matching hat and boots.

- #8: A BUTT  SAGGING LIKE A PEAR GONE BAD, IS NO EXCUSE NOT TO WEAR BACKLESS ATTIRE.  Don’t listen to your mother.  She just wants that outfit for herself.

- #9: BREAKING IN NEW SHOES BEFORE YOUR AUDITION IS A NO, NO, NO AS THIS COULD SLOW DOWN YOUR APPROACH TO THE CENTER OF THE STAGE AND TAKE AWAY PRECIOUS MINUTES OF SINGING TIME.

And #10:  ALTHOUGH ENGLISH IS OUR SECOND LANGUAGE, IT WILL NOT ENHANCE YOUR CHANCES OF WINNING.  A GOOD SMILE AND NOD ACCOMPANIED BY ‘YES, YES,’ GO A LONG WAY.

In closing it would be remiss of me if I didn’t come up with a few rules for the enormous American Idol viewing public.  So here are two … based on experience.

#1: EAT IMMEDIATELY BEFORE OR DURING THE SHOW AS THERE IS NO TRUTH TO THE RUMOR THAT IT WILL CAUSE PHYSICAL DISCOMFORT.  FURTHERMORE, SHEETS, BEDCOVERS, COUCH SLIPS, AND CARPETS ARE WASHABLE.

#2: BIRTH DEFORMITIES ARE THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE BIRTHING PARENTS.  AMERICAN IDOL CONTESTANTS ARE NOT THAT BABY’S DADDY.  Your baby’s ugliness is your problem and your mother-in-law’s business.

And #3: AS YOUR BUTT HOLE WILL CONSTRICT AND EXPAND SEVERAL TIMES DURING THE SHOW (ALTHOUGH NOT ENOUGH TO PRODUCE IRRITABLE BOWELS OR BIRTH DEFORMITIES), AN HOUR OF A.I. IS NOT DEEMED EQUIVALENT TO 3 DAYS OF 20 MINUTES OF EXERCISE.  SO THROW THAT SPANDEX AWAY.

To God be the glory of the next American Idol.