Scenario One: A serial killer breaks into your home. You’re standing in the hallway with a semi-automatic weapon. You …
- - shoot yourself in the foot.
- - shoot the serial killer.
- - hand him/her your weapon.
You don’t choose a or c because what reasonably almost sane person would.
Yet every day some of us hand a gun to others giving them permission to shoot. Worse we help hold the gun and pull the trigger.
Everyone gets angry. Personally I’m not sure I could trust someone who never appears to get angry. Psycho.
And it’s okay to get angry. People piss us off. We piss ourselves off. Life can just be pissy. That’s okay. But the anger has to be responsibly channeled.
I’m pissed right now. Okay, not really, but I was about twenty minutes ago. Someone was bothering me. Repetitively.
“Were you able to get through?” I’m trying to win a new car but I’m too lazy to watch this program for clues. So someone does it for me. But then they bug me over and over – “Were you able to get through?”
Gggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Go away. I’m not an idiot. I’ll get through when I get through. Please shut up.
Of course these thoughts were expressed in my head. (I need the clues. I’m not stupid.) And after a few waves of pissness I realized this wasn’t about them, it’s about me … and my issues (yes, like you I have them). Repetitive questions push that button that says, “I’m not good enough.” “I am a failure.” See my issue, not theirs.
And even though it took a long time (before tonight) to recognize I had an issue and the statements were not true, the button doesn’t go away. It scabs, like a scar.
So I get angry. Still. Recognize I’m angry, know why I’m angry, smile (that’s very important for me), remind myself just how smart and talented I am (after all I have my own web column that is read by almost millions of people), and let it go.
And my someone – They’re not angry. They have no reason to be angry. No one did anything to them. They continued went their business. You gotta smile.
I love Oprah. Whether you agree or not you can still learn. Some of my best lessons have come from enemies. Uh huh.
My Oprah four life lessons.
Lesson one: Religion. There are many ways to the Father. And like a wheel where God is the center, no spoke it better or worse than any other spoke.
Lesson two: Sign your own checks. Even if you make big time money and can afford to hire someone else to do it.
Lesson three: If your children call an adult woman of another race by her first name, and her children call you Mrs. So and so. You don’t get it. You’re not friends. There is no equality.
Lesson four: Anger may hurt the person who pissed you off. It always hurts you. We give away our power.
She then went on to tell how she was so angry with a person. For years. And one day as she walked down the street, on the other side was ms. Thang and a friend. Oprah got angry. The old resentment boiled up. Relived again. And she stared ms. Thang down. As ms. Thang walked down the street. Laughing with her friend. Which made Oprah angrier. “Doesn’t she know how angry I am?”
Duh no.
This woman had gone on with her life while Oprah was stuck. She hadn’t hurt the woman. She had and was still hurting herself. She let it go.
Don’t give away your power.
We get so angry we can’t move on. We look like we have, but we haven’t. And it’s evident in the way we talk.
It’s okay to vent. For a while. Out loud in an empty room is best. Thin walls? Use a pillow. Because if you bug your friends long enough, you won’t have any friends. And if it’s family and they’re stuck listening, you’ll get the uh huh. Hmm. They’ve learned to deal with crazy people (see “Who’s Crazy Now??” commentary).
So vent. Then calmly (try) look at what happened, see what you did, FORGIVE YOURSELF, and move on. Yes, forgive yourself because when you get to the root, you are generally angrier with yourself than the other person.
“How stupid can I be? I let that fool into my life. I deserved …”
It’s over. FORGIVE YOURSELF. The way we sometimes talk to ourselves, it’s worse than our worst enemy.
You cannot hold on to anger to the point you cannot remember why you’re angry you just know the other person did you wrong. And you won’t let anyone else forget it.
Whenever you say that person’s name you always include something negative, either as the main part or an addendum. Addendums are the most popular.
“Tell Harold to put on a jacket. (Addendum) He never listens to what I say. He just listens to his friends. Whenever Carl calls he runs down to the store.”
“Your brother doesn’t care if I’m sick. (Addendum) He always cries. He’s weak. You’ve seen him. He’s doesn’t care whether I live or die.”
The first sentence is sufficient to get your point across. The addendum – superfluous.
Is this your picture?
If you cannot make a statement about another person without constantly dawging them out, you have given away your power. Contrary to your intent to make yourself look like the better person, you look sad and pathetic. Contrary to your intent to make everyone dislike this person, you’ve made them a sympathetic soul. Everyone wonders why they haven’t killed you. Contrary to your intent to hurt this person, you’ve only hurt yourself. You’re under their control. Willingly.
… because they have moved on. Which only makes you angrier. Dagged if they do. Dagged if they don’t.
… because your life has no meaning without this anger. You live to prove them wrong.
It’s no longer anger, it’s hate. That’s turned on you.
You gave away your power.
A serial killer walked in the door, you handed them a gun, bullets, and helped pulled the trigger. You’re that serial killer. You choose it.
And the physical repercussions – hate acts like blows to the body. Add up the days. The years.
Life requires us to occasionally give away our power. We bite our tongue when the boss or coworker or friend or family member or television anchor or … is stupid. So you pick your battles. We live with that.
Picking a one-sided battle is a no win war. For you.
Even if this person is a dipstick, no one is that important that you should subjugate yourself to them. For the rest of your life. Value yourself.
It’s not a killer choice after all.
